Depending on where I have been the night before I may have to wake up at 7:00/7:30 in order to leave at 7:45 from Waikiki only to get stuck in traffic on the highway due to 2 huge construction trucks that are being escorted down the far left hand lane of the highway. After we finally get past the trucks and out of traffic we are pushing 8:10 and I start to think I'm not going to make it to muster which is at 8:30 in my coveralls which I don't have on right now.
As we roll through the gate to get on base it's 8:15 and I know I can get ready and be up there at the right time no prob, so with 10 mins to spare I throw on a clean uniform, put on my boots, I grab me a belt, and then start heading up to the flight deck where I know everybody else is already waiting. I stand in front of my chiefs and a couple officers after about 2 or 3 hours of sleep and listen to how awesome our day is going to be... starting off with a fresh water wash down right after muster.
I was so excited and you could see the enthusiasm of all the others just by looking at their faces and we all thought it was pretty cool to be doing something that should have been done before we pulled into port but because of a heavy schedule weren't able to accomplish. So I follow my buddy Will, who is also an FC(CIWS type) and we start with the CIWS mounts. After about an hour or 2 of the duty section spraying down the entire ship and sweeping all the water build up over the sides we were finally done and could continue on with whatever else was planned for the day.
This lead me to the filter cleaning shop in order to take care of some DCPO maintenance that I was going to help Will with, and only after completing the necessary checks up forward and one aft I thought maybe I would chill out for a little bit before early chow for watch reliefs since someone wanted to switch my 17-22 with his 12-17 so he could participate in the ships softball game.
It's 11:05 and as I'm walking by the messdecks I run into the person who I am taking over for and I make sure the game plan is still in effect, he gives me batterys release and I know I have to eat now or never since I was relieving the internal rover(who was playing too) at 12:30 instead of the normal 12:45 in order for him to get ready and be at the softball game. They tell me I can eat right now even though the line isn't open but as tempting and as hungry as I was I needed to change into my Utilities for my upcoming watch in 20 mins.
So I hurry down to berthing as fast as possible and throw on my new uniform and start to feel good because of how fast it took me and start to leave my room when I notice that I never shaved the hair off my face which was now staring me down begging for a shave.
I couldn't just leave this poor hair on my face, especially since I was about to take a watch where I was going to see everybody for the next 5 hours, and that's when I turned back to my rack to grab my stuff for a dry shave like I normally do.
Ahhh finally have a fresh shave and I got 10 mins before I am supposed to be on watch so I still got a lil bit of time to eat so I head back to the mess line to get some ono kine grinds and eat my sloppy joe at a slightly faster chewing velocity then normal and upon completion get topside to take the watch. Now watch is boring and nothing really happened so I will skip the details and take yall to 1700 the time I finally got off watch.
I was starving and it was hot wings, pizza and ice cream night so I was pretty stoked and could hardly wait to sit down and eat this delicious food that had been prepared for us.
Now apparently we didn't do a good enough of job with the fresh water wash down earlier that day so we were going to muster back on the messdecks at 1730 to try and talk about what needed to happen in order for us to be a squared away duty section. My body had other plans and their was a Head that was calling my name so I started to stroll back to berthing when I got stopped right where my ladderwell was... Sure enough in the last 30 mins one of the fan coiling units started to leak and now their was a big puddle of water going all the way across the P-way which I now got tasked to help clean, woopee! So me and a GM2 put our heads and our swabs together and we got almost all the water off the deck just in time for our 1730 muster(and yes I left 5 mins before that in order to relieve built up fluids that were dying to get out of my system).
So the day just keeps on getting better and better and we decided to do the fresh water wash down after colors at around 1930 when it is dark so we have a less chance of being seen since we aren't really supposed to be doing a washdown like this in port. After the awesome news about our failed attempt of a fresh water wash down and how we would be trying our luck again with some fire hoses to get more pressure to get the salt off I finally had time to take a little break.
Now it's my time and I thought about sleeping but I had a few people I wanted to talk to so let the texting commence! I do this for about an hour conversating with 3 or 4 people over text messaging and it's finally time for my next part of the day, "Lights" at the sound of colors. As this being the first time I got the chance to turn on the lights from the Pilot house aka Bridge I didn't really know which lights to hit but QM1 filled me in on them "Lets see hmm, 3 there... 4 over there, o ya and you can't forget about this one up here too!" Sweet sounds like fun and can't wait to hit all the lights!
5 min warning goes down and this is when I start to really concentrate and stop texting people so I won't be distracted for my time to shine with the lights that will light up the sky and tell all the airplanes where we are so they won't hit us. It was quite exciting and nerve wrecking, especially since I was all alone and this was my first time, but I overcame and I showed those lights who was the boss right when colors went down.
I started with the 3 and hit the top 2 first then moved to the lower one, then I bent over backwards with a *swoosh* (sound added for emphasis) to the 4 which I hit all at the same time and then I couldn't forget about that last random light that was nowhere near any of the other lights, and now I successfully completed my evolution immaculately.
Not even 10 seconds later "Muster duty section 1 of 6 on the quarterdeck with the section leader", wow this day really does keep moving doesn't it. Good times is all I have to say and now we start the spraying of water all over the ship in the dark like we had done earlier except this time we were using the fire hoses :)
Okay so now we are done for the second time at 2030 and I'm exauhsted and can't wait to get to my rack and get some sleep before I gotta be up for lights again at 550 in the mornin. So I get all nice and cozy and plug in my phone to charge and pass out after setting the alarm.
2 and a half hours later someone rings the doorbell to our berthing 4 house and doesn't get an answer so he lets himself in and then he finds my room and knocks on my door(rack 21) and says "Hey bro they need you up stairs by the fan coiling unit", "Okay fine I'll be up there in a min" I mumble back as I start to crawl out of my rack which is a foot off the ground.
I slowly put my uniform back on and then my boots and start to head back up stairs to meet our Warrant officer and a DC2. I look over at warrant and he starts talking to me "Hey are you DCPO qualed?" I reply no, then he asks me "Have you ever worked on one of these before?" and again my response is no, then he asks "Who is your DCPO?" and I tell him Will. Then he starts asking me what he looks like and what is his birthday and if he is married and if he has any kids and he asked me weird questions like if Will owns a fairy or a unicorn.
Well I guess I just woke up and I might have just been hearing things but apparently over night I had gotten DC qualified which I have been trying to do for the past 5 weeks and then somehow mysteriously I was DCPO qualed as well, I must have pulled the Matrix card where I just strapped a cord to the back of my neck and uploaded everything I need to know in a matter of seconds.
After I tell Will this amazing story about the fan coiling unit I head back down there to mop up the mess again, by myself this time, using a retarded mop bucket that only had 3 wheels. Then I grab a trash can like they told me to and put it next to the leaking air conditioner and I think to myself "hmmm I should really make a post right now?" and here I am at 1 in the morning with about 4 hours to go before I have to be up again explaining how awesome life is onboard the boat and how even a noob gets called out to do something he has no idea or comprehension of what needs to happen.
I guess I need to start hiding in the shadows because they have already noticed that I'm trying to learn everything and am active almost anywhere I can be... Now I'm hungry and I'm headed back to bed and tomorrow I will post up on facebook about this post and maybe put some spaces in here to make it easier to read or something. O and again welcome to my world ^-^
*Finished lights and did a read over and fixed a few things and now it's time to put it up on tha facebook, o ya then I get to go to another muster and hopefully we will be off by 8:30 *crossing my fingers* and hope you enjoyed this.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Too Much...
Way to many things to write down since the last time I posted but I will try my best to explain what's been going on and running through my head. It's funny how things work out and it still amazes me everyday with all the randomness running amuck. I feel like I've been chewed up, spit out, and trampled upon and then I also feel lucky to be alive and greatful for what God has given me so far. I can't imagine what I would do with out my Lord and saviour but the Navy is reallly testing my limits and I see myself slipping more and more each day into the wrong direction that God couldn't have planned out for my life. I'm not as happy as I once was, and in all honesty it's all my own fault, I shouldn't have ever been subdued and consumed by the world I now live in. All my life I have been given training so to say and I've endured quite a few things and I would never take back any life experiences that I have had to go through because even the bad ones I learned my lesson, sometimes taking more then one time. But even with all the training and all the studying and steadfastness in prayer and whatnot I feel like I have failed the test that was placed in front of me, on more then one occasion. Fitting in will never make me happy even though at the time and the moment I seem to be as happy as can be, but I will never truly be happy until I am portraying myself. I see lost and hurting sheep every place I look and I haven't quite figured out how to ail their pains, I guess I can't help anybody till I help myself. I've learned that over the past few months that in order to care for others you need to care about yourself first, otherwise you won't be able to truly give back to those whom you love. I've always been taught the contrary, to love others more then yourself, maybe I just interpreted it the wrong way I dunno. 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' That means in order to love your neighbor you need to love yourself first. I have always been the kind of guy that puts everyone elses needs in front of my own and it hasn't been healthy for me the last 6 or 7 years, letting people push me around and taking advantage of me for far to long. I can't do this anymore, I need to put my foot down somewhere and I think that I have done a lot more the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying I won't love and try to take care of other people but right now I need to worry about myself and my future and whatever the Lord has in store for me.
Now comes the problem....... What do I do!!! Their are so many things running through my head that have been running through my head for the past 10 years, should I become try and pursue my first love of planes and try to fly them? Should I devote all my time and effort into making a warp machine (call me crazy but it will work and will be here one day if the world last that long), or should I become a childrens pastor of some sort. I thought I would do something with airplanes and so here I am in the Navy doing absolutely nothing with airplanes. Then I thought hey maybe I can start brainstorming on ways to create his super warp machine, but that would probably take way to much time and effort and even if my kids were interested in my shenanigans their kids kids probably wouldn't see the day. Then I thought hey Childrens pastor stuff, and so I helped Buddy out all the time with Metro, but the time their was cut short after I joined the Navy. Waiting has been quite a bore, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because all things will happen in due time that are supposed to come to pass. I'm sure I will know one day, whenever I get a clear sign, but in the meantime I'm going to be pursuing becoming a pilot as I have always dreamed of, and eventually I hope to have my wings.
Then their is the love of my life, my bright and shining star, the apple of my eye, the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I have been eternally grateful for such an amazing woman as her and I'm blessed to have been so lucky in finding her. Even though the terms for meeting were fatal for both parties, and it deeply saddens me that that is the way we had to meet but maybe God had a bigger plan then what I or her wanted or thought we needed. 25 months later after finally being able to hold her hand and call her my girl I have fallen madly in love with her, which I partly blame on her for making me love her so much lol. The short weeks and few nights that we were able to spend together reassured me of my love for her and the smile on her face and happiness that radiates from her skin pleases me like no other. I was always skeptical and cautious when it came to younger women and was kind of nervous when this one took a liking to me. I found out later that it was more then just a liking, somebody was deeply in love with me(so she says) and she pursued me and didn't give up no matter how far I went or how busy I seem to have got. For that I am ever so grateful and my frown has been turned upside down from the inside out, from head to toe I felt and still feel like a new person. She has given me hope for a future without dispair and I know her intentions are all for the good, I never thought I would find that in a woman inside and out(not bashing on any women reading this). She has been a little shy and withholding of information but I'm slowly bringing her out of that lol, and one day I hope that we can just throw out everything on the table no matter how horrible it may seem at the time. Babe if you are reading this I want and like the honesty that you portrayed tonight and the past few weeks and I will give back the same measure of honesty that you rightfully deserve. I don't try to keep anything from you and I'm sorry if I ever do and know that I didn't do it intetionally if you find out something from some of my friends or whatever.
Now comes the next thing and I warned you that their was to much to read, it's just all flowing out of me like a river and I can't contain it right now, I've been typing for over an hour and it feels like I have just started typing. This next part changes nothing about the way I see my girl, nor does it get in the way of my love for her in any way shape or form. It's not her fault and I know that, and I could never wish death upon another person but I am highly upset with the girl who was High as a kite, drunk, and under the age of 21 when she flew into the vehicle that held my dream girl, her brother and her mother. I know I wasn't their but I know time and space must have stood still for this girls father that got the message from the paramedics that his wife had been killed and his son and his daughter had been put into the hospital, while the intoxicated and doped out girl walked away unharmed. I can only imagine the pain my girl felt as she came out of her coma 2 weeks later to find out her mother had been killed and that she would have been permanately scarred for the rest of her life in physically and mentally. Now comes the time in her life to make huge decisions, like what should I do with my future, what kind of woman do I want to become? A visit to the recruiter gets her the news that she will never serve in any branch of service for the entirety of her life due to all the medical problems that she never had before the accident. Also being homeschooled all her life until the day her mother died caused her to never be able to obtain her highschool diploma which people her age are shaking in their boots from the excitement of finally holding that simple piece of paper that says, "Hey you made it through 12 years of education, now what are you going to do?". A GED will have to suffice for her if she can ever find the time to work on it while working 1 or 2 jobs in order to make her car payments and to be able to pay for insurance and also to be able to live like a normal girl her age. The one thing that sucks the most about all of this is having no mother to coach you along or to be their for you when the times are hard, when you just want to punch somebody in the face because you are so angry at the world. Seeing all your friends mothers and fathers at your graduation doesn't really help much, but to let the world know, you are not alone. It really sucks being on a ship and seeing packages and letters come in for people here that are from their mothers telling them how proud they are of you and making those special cookies that she use to always make for you when you were a kid. Or coming home on leave and getting that special hug that only she knows how to give, or giving her lap for you to sit on when you are feeling down and alone or worthless. I still remember the last Christmas with my mother back in 2004 very well, I remember vividly the christmas tree in the corner of the living room, the green jacket that she was wearing, the happyness of the morning when gift wrapping was flying in every direction, the cloth christmas tree that hung on the closet door that we had filled with presents to the King of Kings in remembrance of all that Jesus had done for us. I also quite distinctly remeber the next day following our Christmas celebration, the last day my mother was out of her bed walking around like nothing was bothering her and giving us the hope that she may pull trough the cancer and beat it.... but even with hope and tons of prayer it wasn't our call to make and the Lord called her home. Febuary 5th after a Friday night showing of Left Behind, a theatrical play that depicted the end times, we were all at Denny's celebrating a great show night. Somewhere around 1 and 2 in the morning I had this weird feeling deep down in my soul and I didn't know what it was so I just blew it off. Sure enough, whatever that was that I felt was someone leaving this world that I had deeply cared about.
Bitterness consumed me and took over my life, I carried a smile but inside I was dying more and more each and every day. I now tried everything I could to take my mind off the pain I was feeling deep inside, well everything except for physical pain to myself, and nothing really seemed to work. I was taking AP English Lit, Pre Cal, AP Government/Economics, AP World history, AP Physics, Theatre(at school and at Cornerstone), and I was also taking Aviation Maintenance college courses at TCC Northwest. You try doing all that homework and remember all those lines, songs, and blocking and everything else at the same time, it's really not that easy lol but it kept my mind occupied. I also forgot to mention that I had 6 brothers and 2 sisters that were determined to keep me from my work making as much noise as possible and bothering me at any chance they could. And then their was chores, Metro on Saturday if we weren't practicing for a play, and then their was all the odd jobs at Connies house that kept me busy as well, and boy did I have fun power washing, scraping, sanding, priming, painting the entirety of the outside of the house in order to put a fresh new coat of paint on her house(which by the way is imaculate) lol :)
So it's already been 2 hours since I have started writing and the main reason for writing this entire blog has not been put into, but the foreshadowing was there about 2 paragraphs up. If you were paying attention and actually remember what I wrote before I metioned it not being her fault. That is referring to the text message I got on Sunday that said something in the lines of "Hey babe I just found out that I can't carry a baby, my doctor just told me", as I was eating my dessert and I had just ordered my food hanging out at the Shack with some friends. A friend looks over not trying to be nosy and catches what the text says and she says she is sorry but I'm totally ignoring her right now as tears start to form in my eyes. I jump from my seat and take off nearly tackling a kid on my way out the restraunt door and walk straight to my Sububan and punch it 2 times as hard as I can, unlock it and throw my phone in their not knowing what to say back, not wanting to say anything back. Then I slam the door shut and just start walking as far away as I can get from the world, which isn't far in Hawaii lol and I circled the entire mall complex and found a bus stop with nobody around except for the cars passing by and I sat down and threw my hands to my eyes trying to control the sobbing that I was now taking part in. I tried to regain my composure and about 30 mins later I went back to my car to grab my phone to make sure their wasn't anything else and saw a message from my friend trying too make sure everything was okay, and I couldn't worry them so I took my phone with me slammed the door again and punched that side of the car as well and then I went back into the restraunt where my burger was now sitting directly in front of me. I couldn't eat, I lost my appetite, so therefore I pushed my plate away from me into the center of the table. At this point my friend asks me if I want to leave this place and go stay at another friends house who opened their door to a hurting shipmate in need.(yes I said it! ^-^) Which I will be eternally grateful for and then me and my girl commenced talking back and forth over text message and I let her know it wasn't her fault whatsoever, but she kept coming back with stuff like I'm worthless and all that stuff that I just wasnt buying. She is way to special for me to just pawn her off for something as rediculous as that which she had no way of preventing, it's just a part of life that really sucks but life just keeps on rolling.
Speaking of rolling Monday rolled by in a flash and I was so busy I didn't even really think about what had been said the night prior, not that I'm a horrible person and didn't care, it just really didn't cross my mind at the time. Then came Tuesday and it hit me, it hit me hard... Harder then I had ever been hit before in my life and that's when I started sending out text messages to friends back home in Texas. Some thought nothing of my first text which I sent to like 10 people but their were a few that caught on and could tell something was wrong. I told all I knew to these few people and they reassured me that everything was going to be okay and that I still had my options, whether it be adopting or finding someone to be a surrogate mother for us. That day I had 3 of my really good friends offer to do that for me and I really appreciate it, it means the world to me. Tuesday was a horrible day, quite possibly the worst Tuesday that I have ever lived. I thank all for your support and helping me get through extremely long day I had to endure that day up until 3 am the next morning and crashed at 3:30 and then got woke up 2 and a half hours later for duty section turnover, which I was late for lol, and had to work the entire day. Yes this week has been the worst one FC3 Schutz has had to experience and my hatred for the Navy and Hawaii have gone up I would say maybe 9 or 10 points, and on that note I will close saying thanks for reading all this crazyness and I wish better days to all those out there.
Now comes the problem....... What do I do!!! Their are so many things running through my head that have been running through my head for the past 10 years, should I become try and pursue my first love of planes and try to fly them? Should I devote all my time and effort into making a warp machine (call me crazy but it will work and will be here one day if the world last that long), or should I become a childrens pastor of some sort. I thought I would do something with airplanes and so here I am in the Navy doing absolutely nothing with airplanes. Then I thought hey maybe I can start brainstorming on ways to create his super warp machine, but that would probably take way to much time and effort and even if my kids were interested in my shenanigans their kids kids probably wouldn't see the day. Then I thought hey Childrens pastor stuff, and so I helped Buddy out all the time with Metro, but the time their was cut short after I joined the Navy. Waiting has been quite a bore, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because all things will happen in due time that are supposed to come to pass. I'm sure I will know one day, whenever I get a clear sign, but in the meantime I'm going to be pursuing becoming a pilot as I have always dreamed of, and eventually I hope to have my wings.
Then their is the love of my life, my bright and shining star, the apple of my eye, the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I have been eternally grateful for such an amazing woman as her and I'm blessed to have been so lucky in finding her. Even though the terms for meeting were fatal for both parties, and it deeply saddens me that that is the way we had to meet but maybe God had a bigger plan then what I or her wanted or thought we needed. 25 months later after finally being able to hold her hand and call her my girl I have fallen madly in love with her, which I partly blame on her for making me love her so much lol. The short weeks and few nights that we were able to spend together reassured me of my love for her and the smile on her face and happiness that radiates from her skin pleases me like no other. I was always skeptical and cautious when it came to younger women and was kind of nervous when this one took a liking to me. I found out later that it was more then just a liking, somebody was deeply in love with me(so she says) and she pursued me and didn't give up no matter how far I went or how busy I seem to have got. For that I am ever so grateful and my frown has been turned upside down from the inside out, from head to toe I felt and still feel like a new person. She has given me hope for a future without dispair and I know her intentions are all for the good, I never thought I would find that in a woman inside and out(not bashing on any women reading this). She has been a little shy and withholding of information but I'm slowly bringing her out of that lol, and one day I hope that we can just throw out everything on the table no matter how horrible it may seem at the time. Babe if you are reading this I want and like the honesty that you portrayed tonight and the past few weeks and I will give back the same measure of honesty that you rightfully deserve. I don't try to keep anything from you and I'm sorry if I ever do and know that I didn't do it intetionally if you find out something from some of my friends or whatever.
Now comes the next thing and I warned you that their was to much to read, it's just all flowing out of me like a river and I can't contain it right now, I've been typing for over an hour and it feels like I have just started typing. This next part changes nothing about the way I see my girl, nor does it get in the way of my love for her in any way shape or form. It's not her fault and I know that, and I could never wish death upon another person but I am highly upset with the girl who was High as a kite, drunk, and under the age of 21 when she flew into the vehicle that held my dream girl, her brother and her mother. I know I wasn't their but I know time and space must have stood still for this girls father that got the message from the paramedics that his wife had been killed and his son and his daughter had been put into the hospital, while the intoxicated and doped out girl walked away unharmed. I can only imagine the pain my girl felt as she came out of her coma 2 weeks later to find out her mother had been killed and that she would have been permanately scarred for the rest of her life in physically and mentally. Now comes the time in her life to make huge decisions, like what should I do with my future, what kind of woman do I want to become? A visit to the recruiter gets her the news that she will never serve in any branch of service for the entirety of her life due to all the medical problems that she never had before the accident. Also being homeschooled all her life until the day her mother died caused her to never be able to obtain her highschool diploma which people her age are shaking in their boots from the excitement of finally holding that simple piece of paper that says, "Hey you made it through 12 years of education, now what are you going to do?". A GED will have to suffice for her if she can ever find the time to work on it while working 1 or 2 jobs in order to make her car payments and to be able to pay for insurance and also to be able to live like a normal girl her age. The one thing that sucks the most about all of this is having no mother to coach you along or to be their for you when the times are hard, when you just want to punch somebody in the face because you are so angry at the world. Seeing all your friends mothers and fathers at your graduation doesn't really help much, but to let the world know, you are not alone. It really sucks being on a ship and seeing packages and letters come in for people here that are from their mothers telling them how proud they are of you and making those special cookies that she use to always make for you when you were a kid. Or coming home on leave and getting that special hug that only she knows how to give, or giving her lap for you to sit on when you are feeling down and alone or worthless. I still remember the last Christmas with my mother back in 2004 very well, I remember vividly the christmas tree in the corner of the living room, the green jacket that she was wearing, the happyness of the morning when gift wrapping was flying in every direction, the cloth christmas tree that hung on the closet door that we had filled with presents to the King of Kings in remembrance of all that Jesus had done for us. I also quite distinctly remeber the next day following our Christmas celebration, the last day my mother was out of her bed walking around like nothing was bothering her and giving us the hope that she may pull trough the cancer and beat it.... but even with hope and tons of prayer it wasn't our call to make and the Lord called her home. Febuary 5th after a Friday night showing of Left Behind, a theatrical play that depicted the end times, we were all at Denny's celebrating a great show night. Somewhere around 1 and 2 in the morning I had this weird feeling deep down in my soul and I didn't know what it was so I just blew it off. Sure enough, whatever that was that I felt was someone leaving this world that I had deeply cared about.
Bitterness consumed me and took over my life, I carried a smile but inside I was dying more and more each and every day. I now tried everything I could to take my mind off the pain I was feeling deep inside, well everything except for physical pain to myself, and nothing really seemed to work. I was taking AP English Lit, Pre Cal, AP Government/Economics, AP World history, AP Physics, Theatre(at school and at Cornerstone), and I was also taking Aviation Maintenance college courses at TCC Northwest. You try doing all that homework and remember all those lines, songs, and blocking and everything else at the same time, it's really not that easy lol but it kept my mind occupied. I also forgot to mention that I had 6 brothers and 2 sisters that were determined to keep me from my work making as much noise as possible and bothering me at any chance they could. And then their was chores, Metro on Saturday if we weren't practicing for a play, and then their was all the odd jobs at Connies house that kept me busy as well, and boy did I have fun power washing, scraping, sanding, priming, painting the entirety of the outside of the house in order to put a fresh new coat of paint on her house(which by the way is imaculate) lol :)
So it's already been 2 hours since I have started writing and the main reason for writing this entire blog has not been put into, but the foreshadowing was there about 2 paragraphs up. If you were paying attention and actually remember what I wrote before I metioned it not being her fault. That is referring to the text message I got on Sunday that said something in the lines of "Hey babe I just found out that I can't carry a baby, my doctor just told me", as I was eating my dessert and I had just ordered my food hanging out at the Shack with some friends. A friend looks over not trying to be nosy and catches what the text says and she says she is sorry but I'm totally ignoring her right now as tears start to form in my eyes. I jump from my seat and take off nearly tackling a kid on my way out the restraunt door and walk straight to my Sububan and punch it 2 times as hard as I can, unlock it and throw my phone in their not knowing what to say back, not wanting to say anything back. Then I slam the door shut and just start walking as far away as I can get from the world, which isn't far in Hawaii lol and I circled the entire mall complex and found a bus stop with nobody around except for the cars passing by and I sat down and threw my hands to my eyes trying to control the sobbing that I was now taking part in. I tried to regain my composure and about 30 mins later I went back to my car to grab my phone to make sure their wasn't anything else and saw a message from my friend trying too make sure everything was okay, and I couldn't worry them so I took my phone with me slammed the door again and punched that side of the car as well and then I went back into the restraunt where my burger was now sitting directly in front of me. I couldn't eat, I lost my appetite, so therefore I pushed my plate away from me into the center of the table. At this point my friend asks me if I want to leave this place and go stay at another friends house who opened their door to a hurting shipmate in need.(yes I said it! ^-^) Which I will be eternally grateful for and then me and my girl commenced talking back and forth over text message and I let her know it wasn't her fault whatsoever, but she kept coming back with stuff like I'm worthless and all that stuff that I just wasnt buying. She is way to special for me to just pawn her off for something as rediculous as that which she had no way of preventing, it's just a part of life that really sucks but life just keeps on rolling.
Speaking of rolling Monday rolled by in a flash and I was so busy I didn't even really think about what had been said the night prior, not that I'm a horrible person and didn't care, it just really didn't cross my mind at the time. Then came Tuesday and it hit me, it hit me hard... Harder then I had ever been hit before in my life and that's when I started sending out text messages to friends back home in Texas. Some thought nothing of my first text which I sent to like 10 people but their were a few that caught on and could tell something was wrong. I told all I knew to these few people and they reassured me that everything was going to be okay and that I still had my options, whether it be adopting or finding someone to be a surrogate mother for us. That day I had 3 of my really good friends offer to do that for me and I really appreciate it, it means the world to me. Tuesday was a horrible day, quite possibly the worst Tuesday that I have ever lived. I thank all for your support and helping me get through extremely long day I had to endure that day up until 3 am the next morning and crashed at 3:30 and then got woke up 2 and a half hours later for duty section turnover, which I was late for lol, and had to work the entire day. Yes this week has been the worst one FC3 Schutz has had to experience and my hatred for the Navy and Hawaii have gone up I would say maybe 9 or 10 points, and on that note I will close saying thanks for reading all this crazyness and I wish better days to all those out there.
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