Too Much...

Way to many things to write down since the last time I posted but I will try my best to explain what's been going on and running through my head. It's funny how things work out and it still amazes me everyday with all the randomness running amuck. I feel like I've been chewed up, spit out, and trampled upon and then I also feel lucky to be alive and greatful for what God has given me so far. I can't imagine what I would do with out my Lord and saviour but the Navy is reallly testing my limits and I see myself slipping more and more each day into the wrong direction that God couldn't have planned out for my life. I'm not as happy as I once was, and in all honesty it's all my own fault, I shouldn't have ever been subdued and consumed by the world I now live in. All my life I have been given training so to say and I've endured quite a few things and I would never take back any life experiences that I have had to go through because even the bad ones I learned my lesson, sometimes taking more then one time. But even with all the training and all the studying and steadfastness in prayer and whatnot I feel like I have failed the test that was placed in front of me, on more then one occasion. Fitting in will never make me happy even though at the time and the moment I seem to be as happy as can be, but I will never truly be happy until I am portraying myself. I see lost and hurting sheep every place I look and I haven't quite figured out how to ail their pains, I guess I can't help anybody till I help myself. I've learned that over the past few months that in order to care for others you need to care about yourself first, otherwise you won't be able to truly give back to those whom you love. I've always been taught the contrary, to love others more then yourself, maybe I just interpreted it the wrong way I dunno. 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' That means in order to love your neighbor you need to love yourself first. I have always been the kind of guy that puts everyone elses needs in front of my own and it hasn't been healthy for me the last 6 or 7 years, letting people push me around and taking advantage of me for far to long. I can't do this anymore, I need to put my foot down somewhere and I think that I have done a lot more the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying I won't love and try to take care of other people but right now I need to worry about myself and my future and whatever the Lord has in store for me.

Now comes the problem....... What do I do!!! Their are so many things running through my head that have been running through my head for the past 10 years, should I become try and pursue my first love of planes and try to fly them? Should I devote all my time and effort into making a warp machine (call me crazy but it will work and will be here one day if the world last that long), or should I become a childrens pastor of some sort. I thought I would do something with airplanes and so here I am in the Navy doing absolutely nothing with airplanes. Then I thought hey maybe I can start brainstorming on ways to create his super warp machine, but that would probably take way to much time and effort and even if my kids were interested in my shenanigans their kids kids probably wouldn't see the day. Then I thought hey Childrens pastor stuff, and so I helped Buddy out all the time with Metro, but the time their was cut short after I joined the Navy. Waiting has been quite a bore, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because all things will happen in due time that are supposed to come to pass. I'm sure I will know one day, whenever I get a clear sign, but in the meantime I'm going to be pursuing becoming a pilot as I have always dreamed of, and eventually I hope to have my wings.

Then their is the love of my life, my bright and shining star, the apple of my eye, the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I have been eternally grateful for such an amazing woman as her and I'm blessed to have been so lucky in finding her. Even though the terms for meeting were fatal for both parties, and it deeply saddens me that that is the way we had to meet but maybe God had a bigger plan then what I or her wanted or thought we needed. 25 months later after finally being able to hold her hand and call her my girl I have fallen madly in love with her, which I partly blame on her for making me love her so much lol. The short weeks and few nights that we were able to spend together reassured me of my love for her and the smile on her face and happiness that radiates from her skin pleases me like no other. I was always skeptical and cautious when it came to younger women and was kind of nervous when this one took a liking to me. I found out later that it was more then just a liking, somebody was deeply in love with me(so she says) and she pursued me and didn't give up no matter how far I went or how busy I seem to have got. For that I am ever so grateful and my frown has been turned upside down from the inside out, from head to toe I felt and still feel like a new person. She has given me hope for a future without dispair and I know her intentions are all for the good, I never thought I would find that in a woman inside and out(not bashing on any women reading this). She has been a little shy and withholding of information but I'm slowly bringing her out of that lol, and one day I hope that we can just throw out everything on the table no matter how horrible it may seem at the time. Babe if you are reading this I want and like the honesty that you portrayed tonight and the past few weeks and I will give back the same measure of honesty that you rightfully deserve. I don't try to keep anything from you and I'm sorry if I ever do and know that I didn't do it intetionally if you find out something from some of my friends or whatever.

Now comes the next thing and I warned you that their was to much to read, it's just all flowing out of me like a river and I can't contain it right now, I've been typing for over an hour and it feels like I have just started typing. This next part changes nothing about the way I see my girl, nor does it get in the way of my love for her in any way shape or form. It's not her fault and I know that, and I could never wish death upon another person but I am highly upset with the girl who was High as a kite, drunk, and under the age of 21 when she flew into the vehicle that held my dream girl, her brother and her mother. I know I wasn't their but I know time and space must have stood still for this girls father that got the message from the paramedics that his wife had been killed and his son and his daughter had been put into the hospital, while the intoxicated and doped out girl walked away unharmed. I can only imagine the pain my girl felt as she came out of her coma 2 weeks later to find out her mother had been killed and that she would have been permanately scarred for the rest of her life in physically and mentally. Now comes the time in her life to make huge decisions, like what should I do with my future, what kind of woman do I want to become? A visit to the recruiter gets her the news that she will never serve in any branch of service for the entirety of her life due to all the medical problems that she never had before the accident. Also being homeschooled all her life until the day her mother died caused her to never be able to obtain her highschool diploma which people her age are shaking in their boots from the excitement of finally holding that simple piece of paper that says, "Hey you made it through 12 years of education, now what are you going to do?". A GED will have to suffice for her if she can ever find the time to work on it while working 1 or 2 jobs in order to make her car payments and to be able to pay for insurance and also to be able to live like a normal girl her age. The one thing that sucks the most about all of this is having no mother to coach you along or to be their for you when the times are hard, when you just want to punch somebody in the face because you are so angry at the world. Seeing all your friends mothers and fathers at your graduation doesn't really help much, but to let the world know, you are not alone. It really sucks being on a ship and seeing packages and letters come in for people here that are from their mothers telling them how proud they are of you and making those special cookies that she use to always make for you when you were a kid. Or coming home on leave and getting that special hug that only she knows how to give, or giving her lap for you to sit on when you are feeling down and alone or worthless. I still remember the last Christmas with my mother back in 2004 very well, I remember vividly the christmas tree in the corner of the living room, the green jacket that she was wearing, the happyness of the morning when gift wrapping was flying in every direction, the cloth christmas tree that hung on the closet door that we had filled with presents to the King of Kings in remembrance of all that Jesus had done for us. I also quite distinctly remeber the next day following our Christmas celebration, the last day my mother was out of her bed walking around like nothing was bothering her and giving us the hope that she may pull trough the cancer and beat it.... but even with hope and tons of prayer it wasn't our call to make and the Lord called her home. Febuary 5th after a Friday night showing of Left Behind, a theatrical play that depicted the end times, we were all at Denny's celebrating a great show night. Somewhere around 1 and 2 in the morning I had this weird feeling deep down in my soul and I didn't know what it was so I just blew it off. Sure enough, whatever that was that I felt was someone leaving this world that I had deeply cared about.

Bitterness consumed me and took over my life, I carried a smile but inside I was dying more and more each and every day. I now tried everything I could to take my mind off the pain I was feeling deep inside, well everything except for physical pain to myself, and nothing really seemed to work. I was taking AP English Lit, Pre Cal, AP Government/Economics, AP World history, AP Physics, Theatre(at school and at Cornerstone), and I was also taking Aviation Maintenance college courses at TCC Northwest. You try doing all that homework and remember all those lines, songs, and blocking and everything else at the same time, it's really not that easy lol but it kept my mind occupied. I also forgot to mention that I had 6 brothers and 2 sisters that were determined to keep me from my work making as much noise as possible and bothering me at any chance they could. And then their was chores, Metro on Saturday if we weren't practicing for a play, and then their was all the odd jobs at Connies house that kept me busy as well, and boy did I have fun power washing, scraping, sanding, priming, painting the entirety of the outside of the house in order to put a fresh new coat of paint on her house(which by the way is imaculate) lol :)

So it's already been 2 hours since I have started writing and the main reason for writing this entire blog has not been put into, but the foreshadowing was there about 2 paragraphs up. If you were paying attention and actually remember what I wrote before I metioned it not being her fault. That is referring to the text message I got on Sunday that said something in the lines of "Hey babe I just found out that I can't carry a baby, my doctor just told me", as I was eating my dessert and I had just ordered my food hanging out at the Shack with some friends. A friend looks over not trying to be nosy and catches what the text says and she says she is sorry but I'm totally ignoring her right now as tears start to form in my eyes. I jump from my seat and take off nearly tackling a kid on my way out the restraunt door and walk straight to my Sububan and punch it 2 times as hard as I can, unlock it and throw my phone in their not knowing what to say back, not wanting to say anything back. Then I slam the door shut and just start walking as far away as I can get from the world, which isn't far in Hawaii lol and I circled the entire mall complex and found a bus stop with nobody around except for the cars passing by and I sat down and threw my hands to my eyes trying to control the sobbing that I was now taking part in. I tried to regain my composure and about 30 mins later I went back to my car to grab my phone to make sure their wasn't anything else and saw a message from my friend trying too make sure everything was okay, and I couldn't worry them so I took my phone with me slammed the door again and punched that side of the car as well and then I went back into the restraunt where my burger was now sitting directly in front of me. I couldn't eat, I lost my appetite, so therefore I pushed my plate away from me into the center of the table. At this point my friend asks me if I want to leave this place and go stay at another friends house who opened their door to a hurting shipmate in need.(yes I said it! ^-^) Which I will be eternally grateful for and then me and my girl commenced talking back and forth over text message and I let her know it wasn't her fault whatsoever, but she kept coming back with stuff like I'm worthless and all that stuff that I just wasnt buying. She is way to special for me to just pawn her off for something as rediculous as that which she had no way of preventing, it's just a part of life that really sucks but life just keeps on rolling.

Speaking of rolling Monday rolled by in a flash and I was so busy I didn't even really think about what had been said the night prior, not that I'm a horrible person and didn't care, it just really didn't cross my mind at the time. Then came Tuesday and it hit me, it hit me hard... Harder then I had ever been hit before in my life and that's when I started sending out text messages to friends back home in Texas. Some thought nothing of my first text which I sent to like 10 people but their were a few that caught on and could tell something was wrong. I told all I knew to these few people and they reassured me that everything was going to be okay and that I still had my options, whether it be adopting or finding someone to be a surrogate mother for us. That day I had 3 of my really good friends offer to do that for me and I really appreciate it, it means the world to me. Tuesday was a horrible day, quite possibly the worst Tuesday that I have ever lived. I thank all for your support and helping me get through extremely long day I had to endure that day up until 3 am the next morning and crashed at 3:30 and then got woke up 2 and a half hours later for duty section turnover, which I was late for lol, and had to work the entire day. Yes this week has been the worst one FC3 Schutz has had to experience and my hatred for the Navy and Hawaii have gone up I would say maybe 9 or 10 points, and on that note I will close saying thanks for reading all this crazyness and I wish better days to all those out there.